A few days ago I was asked to meet a certain little girl, and in all my life I have not been more nervous. It was not because I was afraid to meet new people or because I don’t like children, it was purely because this young girl was me. A few days ago I was asked to meet a little girl called Nicky.
All her life she lived with a sense of foreboding, waiting for the other shoe to drop when life seemed to be going too smoothly or waiting for the next wave of senseless guilt to return. While there are many of her early childhood memories that she remembers, it is the ones that she can’t remember that shaped her young life and continued to do so for the rest of her life. There is a single event that caused a chain reaction that rippled across the surface of this young girl’s life; it shaped her future and even still affects her today.
And so we sit; the two of us side by side and after a few moments of silence she looked up at me with the hazel eyes and uttered four well timed words, “It is about time.” Im not sure why I am shocked at her straight forward approach, what good would it do the two of us if we beat around the bush? After all it has been me who has kept her waiting all these years. I let me eyes run over her gorgeous red hair, her perfect little hands and fight the urge to wrap my arms around her little body because I know what she went through, she weathered our storm with little support but here she sits, defiant, a little weather beaten, but she survived.
The above is an extract of a new exercise in my life, it is partly to blame for the lack of posts over the past four weeks. I have been consumed with trying to put into words the experiences and heart aches of my childhood. Although I was initially surprised how easy the task was for the first few days, little did I know how emotional this process was going to be for me. But the old saying is true, if you want to heal you need to put your past behind you. I’m very thankful for the wonderful support that I have received from my husband, he has seen in grow from a young 18 year old into the woman and mother that I am today. Without his guidance I have little doubt that I would be less than I wanted to be in life. This is not only for my benefit but for my son as well, he deserves a mom who is whole in every manner and he deserves the best of me. And so I continue down my path and hopefully at some point I have the strength to share tit bits for it on my blog.